


Swanky

by TrippyCloud



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
Genre: Collaboration, Crack, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-04-14 02:06:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4546038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrippyCloud/pseuds/TrippyCloud
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi this is my first fic, hope you like</p>
    </blockquote>





	Swanky

**Author's Note:**

> Hi this is my first fic, hope you like

The palm of Link’s hand tenderly rubbed the butt of his sword. “Mmm baby, you like that?” he panted. Something about petting the end like this got him so hot. Like really hot. His tunic was on fire, oh gods now he’s running towards the stream. By the time he jumped in, all his clothing had burned off. The villagers stared. One girl pointed and snickered upon seeing Link’s tinkle-wink. Now his cheeks burned (his face-cheeks—the ass cheeks already stung from the pounding he had taken from Groose last night.) Fi projected herself out of his sword and appeared at the hero’s side. 

“Master Link, my calculations predict there is a 87% chance you were previously on fire,” Her robotic gaze traveled lower and landed on Link’s diddiliedoo. Fi’s hardware was programmed with vast knowledge on the Skyloftian race, and she knew that Link’s flibber-flabber was relatively small compared to others. “My data concludes that your 13 inch ding dong is one of the smallest on Skyloft. Your Goddess, Hylia’s, is bigger than yours.”

Link stared for a solid two minutes before a menacing look contorted his feminine features. 

“Master, the batteries in your Wiimote are running low.” 

A confused expression settled on Link’s face. “What?” He asked. 

Fi saw an iNotification reminding the sword spirit not to break the fourth wall. She returned back to the objective: please Master Link. She looked up at him with hooded lids, though you could hardly tell as she has no pupils, and as if reading her wielder’s mind, suggested the bedroom would be a better location. She zoomed back to the academy, leaving Link to a solo walk. 48 minutes later he arrived to his room. It was hard walking with a boner. For the most part he just somersaulted, even up the stairs, but he kept bumping his head on things. Brain damage was evident, Link couldn’t even speak in complete sentences anymore, his vocabulary consisted of grunts and battles cries. 

Inside his dorm, Fi was outstretched on his bed. “Come hither, young Master,” she cooed. Her luminous orbs were so sexy when they looked at him that way. 

Since Link was already naked, he just pounced on the bed, all four limbs outstretched. Fi was a lot harder than he had expected, and the metal knee straight to his crotch sent an agonizing wave of pain straight up his spine. “Hyaaaah!!” he screamed. In the room right next door Fledgling began touching himself, Link’s voice sent him over the edge. 

Fi dissolved back into the Goddess Sword which was left back near the flame incident. Link threw on his 25-layer clothes which scratched against his childhood (he wasn’t quite a man yet). He left his wooden bed that displayed a single sheet and pillow (much like every other dorm room). A grunt escaped his pale lips as he dashed into his crush’s room. Said boy looked at Link and greeted him with a blush that dusted his cheekbones. 

“O-oh… Hi Link.” Fledge averted his eyes from the beauty that he had just jerked off to. “I’ve been doing a workout, and I never last long. Could you grab me a Stamina Potion?” He giggled nervously 

Link rummaged through the older boy’s wardrobe and stuffed the accumulated rupees into his satchel. Nope, not stealing.

∆***∆

Approximately 1 hour and 27 minutes passed before the young Fledgling received his desire. A stamina potion! He gulped it down and immediately noticed the effects it had. He was rock-hard; so hard he could cut diamonds. Fledge released a gasp at the noticeable bulge in his spandex-skin-tight leggings. Wow, was his recovery time fast! The potion gave him a new feeling of confidence. “Get that ass over here.” He growled. 

Link was used to bottoming, probably because of all the times he masturbated with his toy sword as a tween. Anyway. Fledge The Mighty shoved Link onto the bed with such force. In one powerful rip, Link’s 28 layers of clothes came flying off and right out the goddamn door which he had left open. Fledge let a throaty purr escape his mouth, but as he did so a bunch of drool spilled out onto Link’s cap. Fleg pinched the red apple-bottom in front of him, ah what a sight. Then he cupped each sphere, they were so firm yet so soft. Fresh meat for the hungry lion.  Fledge the strong  boy couldn't wait any longer, so he inserted all 3 inches into the quivering, pink starfish. “Oooh, y-yes,” he let out a sweet moan. It was so warm and juicy. “Yes, y-yes, yes, yes!” Fledge shouted over and over while he slammed against Link’s backside.

Suddenly, Link began to transform. He curled his toes and a bone-rattling scream ripped out of his lungs. Fledge gasped, his beetle eyes squinting as he saw Link’s body mutate, all while he still bang-banged him. Not soon after, the change was complete. Link was a beast. Not just any, but a wolf. That didn’t stop his lover. Bestiality ensued. 

∆ 30 hours later ∆

Boy oh boy did that potion really work! Fledge hadn’t reached his point yet, and his moans that travelled through the thick walls were heard by Groose, Cawlin, and Strich. Groose, being the pompous boss he is, couldn’t let them have all the fun. He was, of course, the first to finish.

**“I’M SO BOSSOME!”** Groose cried out. Tears streamed down his face as his green jelly splattered everywhere. A furious shout soon replaced his waterworks as he realized his perfect pompadour was ruined. The orgy was broken up as the red haired teen ushered his gang to help him fix his do. Groose’s moldy semen was kind of a turn off anyway, so the crew didn’t hesitate pulling their limp sausages out of each other’s meat holes. “Catch you later, boyz. Let’s do this some other time.”

 

“Ok Link,” Fledge panted as soon as the gang evacuated. “Let’s finish this.” 

The wolf boy raised his butt in the air to grant his lover entrance. Little did he know, this pose would be inspiration for yoga enthusiasts many years down the road. 

“No dog, I want  you to enter  me .” Fledge copied Link’s pose, getting down on all fours and wagging his rump in the air. 

Link got a strong whiff of poopy asshole. He licked his chops; time to dig in. The wolf mounted the boy whose chubby face turned a deep shade of garnet. The slimy pink lipstick growing from Link’s pelvis prodded against Fledge’s tush. Then it slid in and Link humped him hard. Sharp claws dug into Fledj’s shoulders, but he was secretly a masochist so it was ok. Link buried his snout in the yellow mop of hair on Fledge’s head, inhaling the sweet scent of sweat and sebum. The smell was so enticing, it beckoned him to have a taste… just one bite. His lips parted slightly, and what Squidward’s teeth did to the first Krabby patty he’s ever eaten, Link’s did to Fledge’s neck. 

“Ooh babe, that might be a little too rough for my liking!” Fledge laughed nervously.

Link could not understand human. He was a dog. He kept biting. He was unstoppable now, the taste of flesh was so divine. So raw. So pure. So clean. So necessary. Little did either of them know, but a jealous Zelda peeking tom looked through the window. She wasn’t exactly sneaky about it, but neither of the males—ahem, male or dog—noticed. Fledge was screaming bloody murder while the Hero gnawed on his visible bone. The camera pans in on the monster and then zooms out, while the screen fades to black.

∆***∆

 

Meanwhile, Strich had gotten himself cleaned up and headed out to do his favorite hobby. _Bug watching_. He slipped out of the academy’s door. Soon he was already on his lil’ flapper bird and off to his insect-y island. _Yes, his…own..island… Filled with so many bugs…_

“Gotta go fast” was the only thought that raced faster than a slug on a firework through his cranium. He had a smooth sailing downwards and a breathy moan slipped through his lips as he saw his bugs. Lust filled his orbs and he chuckled.

“Oh li’l ol’ bug!” a voice reached his ears and he cautiously followed it. Who was trespassing on _his island_? The shock registered on his face when he saw her. A young girl with high, golden pigtails wore an intricate dress. Pink butterflies (were those real?!) ran up the frock. Wings from the same insect stretched from her back.

“Hello. I am the princess of the bug kingdom. I am Agitha.”

 

Strich’s impossibly small eyes widened at her title. Immediately he bowed down for Her Royalty. He heard a rushing buzz overhead and he dared sneak a glance at her lordlyship. And my, was it a sight! A dancing cloud of flying bugs, dragonflies, bees, cicadas and such, were swarming behind the Princess, she must have summoned them. It was a godly sight, and he did not feel worthy of such beauty. The girl only giggled and commanded her subjects over to the lanky boy before her. They surrounded his feeble body, covering him completely. Then he was raised off of the ground by the thousands of bugs. Oh how this turned him on, not even in his wildest dreams had this many antennas been touching him. Ever so gracefully the bugs set him on his feet before dispersing. A bunch hovered in front of his crotch after he telepathically told them of his erection. Such a bodily reaction could not be seen by this wondrous girl. 

Agitha could speak bug too, so she told them to shoo. “Wow are you a bug too?”

“Too?” he thought.

“I can see your stinger!” She clasped her hands and batted her long lashes. “Oh how I do love bugs…” said she, taking a step closer. 

Desire took over Strich, he imagined bending her over and making sweet love while all the insects watched. “Yes, I am a… _bug_ ,” he replied. That phrase alone sent a wave of pleasure through his body. 

“Come to me,” she whispered. 

 

Stretch stepped forward, his foot landed on something hard. There was a quiet crunch, and if you had been listening closely you could have heard a liquid scream echoing through the blades of grass. Strich was frozen with horror, as was the princess whose mouth was so wide that her jaw actually unhinged itself and fell onto the ground with a hollow thud. Then she howled and her tongue flapped around in her mouth like she was trying to say words, but only gibberish came out of the destroyed rot on her face. She made it clear in bug-speak: Buh-an-ished! B-A-N-I-S-H-E-D! Banished! And just like that a hundred wasps covered Strich in welts, he went running but couldn’t see where he was going since the bugs took his eyes. The end of Stritch the bug lover came that windy afternoon when he stumbled right over the edge of that island and plummeted to his death 30,000 feet below. R.I.P. Rest in Praying Mantises.

With her enemy Strich out of the way, nothing could stand in front of Agitha. Manic laughter was all the bugs could hear. Finally! At long last… SHE WAS QUEEN! A wave of tears and a coughing fit interrupted her rejoice. Dung! She had forgotten her meds. She snatched the snazzy firefly that was mating and popped its huge asshole off. The light flickered and dimmed until it was just a puckering anus. “This will do for the Queen.” She threw it in the air and watched it do perfect 360’s. Heads or Tails? Of course, the more reasonable response would be the latter, seeing how it was just a severed butt, but Her Majesty chose the former. The answer didn’t seem to matter because it landed in her mouth and she swallowed. Within only 2 minutes she felt results! Call now! 

Now that she had regained her composure her new goal was to find a new dress fit for a queen bee. She called for her flying bugs and departed for Skyloft.

∆***∆

Zelda had always been one to creep. In fact, she was notorious for it at the academy. Just last week Pipit spotted her peeping through a crack in the closet while Karane was giving him a blowjob. A couple days ago she fell from the vents while she was watching her dad bathe. She wondered who she could spy on next. Her eyes darted to the sides: the coast was clear. She dove into the nearest bush and army crawled across the courtyard, all while the 007 theme ominously played from the skies. 

Professors Owlan and Horwell paused their erotic play to watch the bizarre antics from the window. “I always knew she was a little…different,” Owlan commented. 

Horwell just nodded, it’s hard to talk with a gag in your mouth. Zelda continued to roll, unaware that she, the spier, was now being spied. The world is full of surprises. 

 

Zelda ran like a ninja down the stairs leading to downtown with her arms flailing behind her and her head down. What a nerd. Faster than a lightyard she arrived in the bazaar. Her eyes fell on a peculiar figure. She said her “hellos” to that creepy communist salesman who liked peeping at the fortune teller. She sidled on the wall and watched the gorgeous girl who gave off a godly vibe. How funny, considering Zelda probably did too, with the Goddess, Hylia, in her. This strange girl brought thoughts of insects to Zelda’s brainium. Since the peeper has nothing better to do, she did what she did best. Spying. She carefully watched the bug womean through hooded eyes and listened to her speech. “I need a gown!” She raged. 

Zelda hastily averted her gayze… So hot… No, she need to speak to this girl. She perched like a cat and jumped onto the pig-tail girl. Purple orbs searched her face, looking confused as she was trampled. “You are one dynamite gal…” The words tumbled out of Zelda’s mouth before she could stop herself. 

“What?” 

“Oh nothing. I’m Zenda, what’s your name?” Zelda placed a thin, delicate digit on the other’s face paint.

“I’m the Queen, Agitha. Bow before me! Where can I get a new dress?” The girl named Agitha asked.

“Follow me,” Zelda/Hylia said, smirking with naughtiness. 

 

The two rulers scurried back to the academy. Zelda was pulling Agatha by the hand at first, but Agatha insisted on letting go after her palm was drenched in Hylian sweat. 

“Let’s go in the back way.” Zelda needed to keep up her rep as a spy. “Just climb up this ladder and I’ll explain the rest up there,” Princess Z instructed. She admired the panty shot by snapping a quick pic with a spy cam she kept handy. “Ok, now do as I do.” Zelda walked over to a pillar with tremendous swagger, placed too delicate hands on the column and slid upward, literally defying gravity. Agatha was a noob so it took about 10 minutes of squabbling before she made it to the top. Nobody knows why she didn’t just use her wings.

Zelda flashed a cheeky grin. “After you, my dear!” Before the little one could ask where, Zenda shoved her down the chimney. As graceful as a hairless cat Zelda descended too. Going down was easier when she was alone. However, she had Agitha…yay…Said queen had a goofy dress so she went down slower, so both her and Zelda ended up wiggling down while their bodies touched together like sardines. “Ouch! You’re pulling my hair!”

Zelda fell hard out of the thin tube and Agitha landed right on top of her. Both girls blushed so passionately it looked like they were having a heat stroke. Agatha wanted to be the one to break the ice. She was, and would always be the first at everything. Her lips parted and she was about to speak when a door opening broke her train of thought. Zelda, who was still under Agitha, craned her neck at about 180 degrees. How uncomfortable. Both of the girls’ eyes widened when they saw who it was.

“Link?” they said in unison. 

 

The first question that popped into Zelda’s head was “what?” but she just figured they knew each other form another game. Link stripping was what got their attention. Agatha was painfully aware of something hard in Zelda’s dress. She probably just didn’t notice it there earlier. Must be a bottle or something. Agatha whispered, “Is this where I get my new outfit?” 

That snapped the other girl’s mind in focus. “Oh, this way. Crawl through there,” she said pointing. She had the eccentric girl go first. Zelda got some more nice panty shots because Ag’s dress rode up. 

 

Finally, they reached the desired dorm bedroom. Agster figured this was where the dress fitting was, so she started stripping into just her corset. It took like 4 seconds for Zelda to get completely flustered. 

“Chop chop! Time for the dress!” The royalty chimed. Zelda got on her knees and magically pulled needles out of nowhere. “I have a bag of bugs I’d like you to use.” She whipped out 4 bumbles, 2 grassbops, 8 1/2 ants, and 1 spider. Very original! So cool. 

Before Zelda could begin, she had to do one thing. She took a needle and wrote, “Zelda wuz here!!!” in Agitha’s skin. “Ouch!” said girl said. 

 

2 hours later Agatha had a rad dress which was super long! Even though there were only like 10 bugs. “Oh Xylophone, it’s so cute!” Agitha screamed.

“That’s not my name,” Zelda replied.

“Oops! You’re right. Sorry, Zippy.”   
Zonkers wanted to sew the offender’s mouth shut. 

∆***∆

Meanwhile, Link was still in the bathroom taking a dump of a lifetime. He might run out of oxygen, considering all the farts in the air. He hurried up and squirted the remaining Hershey™ syrup out of his butt. The roughage and strain of today’s activities might’ve brought the start of hemorrhoids. Wiping took a while, but two rolls of toiler paper later his rear was squeaky clean. Picking the dingleberries out of his matted hair was quite the task too. Just as he was standing up to flush, cool fingers wrapped around his ballsack and yanked him back down. Trapped! A thick digit slipped into his opening with ease. Link gasped. He spread his legs and looked between to see the perpetrator. Oh my gods. It was a hand! A purple, paranormal sewer hand that was fingering him! Link always thought there was something fishy about those fancy bidets. A second appendage was poking the entrance. It was wet, and it too slid inside like butter. That’s when it came to Link that his own feces was being used as lube. A moan half from pleasure half from disgust escaped his lips. It was so kinky… So illuminaughty. Link panted and his satisfaction reverberated throughout the bathroom. When he finished, he thanked the hand for its services.

“You’re welcome,” it started. “But now that I have given something to you, there is a small favor that I must ask of you.”

“Fuck that,” Link thought. He reached over to the handle and sent the hand to its watery grave. 

 

On his way back to his room, Cawlin approached him, practically spazzing out. “Link, you’ll never believe it!” He was bouncing off the walls now. “I was outside the bathroom just now, and you’ll never guess what I heard.” How did his head withstand these collisions with the walls. It was quite gruesome to watch actually. He stopped though and got real close to Link’s face, foam seeping out of his mouth and claws latching onto Link’s shoulders. “I heard…a…ghost…” he whispered. Hot, milky breath violated Link’s nostrils and singed his eyebrows. “It was wailing in there, so spooky.”

The color drained from Link’s face upon hearing those words. There was an actual ghost…watching him get freaky! How embarrassing, how creepy! The spooks sent Link running; instinctively he’d run straight to Mommy, but since she wasn’t here (she ded), he went to the next best thing: daddy.

∆***∆

Gaypora was getting down to a sick beat when he heard the all-too-familiar panting outside his door. He fumbled to get the music to stop before Link could enter.

“Too late.”

The headmaster felt his heart sink as he heard the young hero enter. “Oh uh, hi, Link!” 

Said boy gazed bewildered at his “Daddy”. Gaepores desperately tried shutting the music box down, and he succeeded by slamming his fist and breaking it into shards  like the Twilight portal. Getting caught with his swanky music on was just as bad as disrespecting the Goddess. Hylia could not handle the conchyness. By the look on Link’s face, Daddy could tell something was wrong. “What is it, m’boy?” he asked lovely. Gaypora figured it was a ghost or something. (Nope, it was the music. Link had forgotten all about the ghost by now!) The Hero ran off, screaming “HIYAH,” off to tell Zendy what he’d heard. Unfortunately, he still got tired even though he was going walking-pace in the academy. The headmaster peeked out the door and gazed lovingly at the squirts-stains on Lonk’s tights. He licked his lips before returning to the music as sweet as honey.

 

Her room was just downstairs. He paused, air inflated his lungs and slowly dissipated before he rapped on the wood door. “Z to the E to the L-D-A, listen up y'all cause I’ve got somethin’ to say! My beat is sick and my rhymes are fresh, if you’re wonderin’ who this is you can prob’ly guess,” he tapered off, usually he never got this far. Zany would greet him before then. “Maybe I should check,” he thought. One hand pushed the door open, and, uninvited, he slunk inside. Link’s master sword grew bigger, I do not mean his actual sword, I mean his penis. His pants ripped since the sword cut them open. Out it stretched like a worm sensing which direction to travel, all the way to the 2 figures on Zeldu’s bed. Link yanked his thing back and it snapped into his pants like a rubber band, ba-zing ba-zing! He quietly observed the bed bugs. 

Agitha was hunched over, motor-boating Zelda’s coochie. Then she formed an “O” with her mouth and went “Leedle leedle lee!” eyes wide and fingers jabbing into the pee hole (cuz girls only have 1 hole right?) All of a sudden Zootalore’s legs quivered and she let out an earth-shattering moan that transitioned into the most beautiful thing Link had ever heard: “En Dashadu, no be seine du, den she fu, keitanu sa lei.” He decided to call it “Zander’s lullaby”. His blade tugged him forward like his downing ability. He was hunting for some sacred booty. He rubbed the hilt of his sword, barely able to contain his sexcitement. Agitha and Zelda immediately noticed Lunk and beckoned him forward. He obeyed and passionately sheathed his weapon in Zonks. 

Blinding light emitted from the two connected private parts and that’s it. They were sealed together. Link fulfilled his destiny and sEALED THEM TOGETHER! Agz smiled because she found it so erotic. She whipped out a  real blade and plunged it skyward into Linky’s assbutt. He squealed in pleasure and with another light, that was molded into Link’s anus. It was the Goddess Sword. Fi projected a hologram in front of the destined. “Master, I confirm,” she declared.  The mission was complete, and Fi’s duties have been fulfilled. She began to sizzle up up and away because nobody needed her anymore (or ever to begin with). Then Link died and was reincarnated because he finished the quest. The human centipede was is and will always be a memoriam of the tragic hero. 

In the end, Zesty Zelda died from infection that looked like cottage cheese and mustard. Agatha was forever stuck to Link because the transitive fusion that occurred was so hot it melted steel and her hand molded to it. She got her dying wish though, to become a bug (she wanted to die a caterpillar but a centipede would be just fine). Zelda, Link, and Agriculture’s connected bodies were fossilized after many years of collecting dust and dirt, only to be dug up 420 million years later by some creepy German that decided to make a movie about it. He got all the details wrong by the way. This is their story. -Fades to black / Roll credits-


End file.
